"Do you like boys or girls?

I always assumed I was straight. Maybe it's because I didn't realize that my open love for both women and men could easily and fluidly translate into romance. While in training for Peace Corps I met a woman who pointed out that her and I had chemistry (you know who you are). My reaction was a hesitant "oh so that's what that is". The implications of that realization didn't sink in until I acted on my newfound sexuality while all of us volunteers were at a party on a small island. After another party the next night, I went back to our Airbnb in the middle of the night and cried into a toasted bagel with peanut butter in confusion (shout out to the friends I scared because I came in so silently and sat on the foot of their bed in the dark so they argued about if anyone actually came in the house or not). Working through those new feelings was the first time I felt naked while wearing clothes since puberty. But as I've gotten more comfortable in my skin and my newfound joy in loving new people I've come out to my family, friends, and other volunteers, but I hadn't come out to my community. I guess I never felt gay enough for coming out to be necessary, since I could pass as straight. That all changed one night when I was asked about my sexuality by the family with whom I spend most of my time. I decided we were at the point where I could come out to them. The conversation went something like this:
Pii Yaa (mom): "Elizabeth would you like Pii Leun (40 year old cousin) to be your boyfriend?"
me: "No"
"Why not?"
"I want someone closer to my age."
"What about Pii O?" (Pii O is a coworker)
"I don't think that would work either."
"Well what do you want, a boy or a girl?"
"To be honest I like both."
"Both? Really?"
"Yeah!"
"But if you HAD to choose.."
"Well I've had a boyfriend before, but I've never had a girlfriend."
"So you would choose boys?"
"I mean I have had crushes on women before."
"Why aren't you with them?"
"We live very far away."
"Why don't you fly to them?"
"That would be very expensive!"
"You can still be with them anyway, can't you?"

The best part of this conversation was that it happened. Showing them that we're close enough that I could share this information helped us grow much closer that night. They think I am very lonely because I live by myself, and their caring about me having companionship reached me very deeply. I thought they would have kept this information to themselves, but I forget that they talk about me with my closest friend at the office, Pii A.

To be honest I have had a little crush on Pii A for a while. She's very fun and is willing to put in the work to understand what I am saying, so everyone in the office looks to her as the "Elizabeth interpreter" (not an easy job). Today we were putting up decorative fabric for Mother's Day in front of the office building where we work. There were five of us including Pii A and three other women. I don't know how this came up as I was five feet up a ladder trying to tie a huge piece of fabric to a small nail in the wall. But Pii A had mentioned that Pii Yaa (mom) told her I'm into both men and women. Pii A basically just asked for confirmation, I told her yes, I'm into both! One of the young women who was helping us threw out the English word lesbian. It's not a word I would oppose, but I said bisexuality is a little different. When I'm with a woman, I guess I would be called a lesbian, but if I'm with a man I wouldn't, but when I am with any gender, I am still bisexual. Auntie (another woman helping us who insists I call her auntie) said "but which do you like more?" This question is almost guaranteed to be asked when I come out to new people. This time instead of explaining my romantic history with men and women like I did with the family, I just said I like men and women the same. They didn't press as much but did ask who I would like to end up with in the future. I said it depends on who I fall in love with. If I fall in love with a woman then I will end up with a woman, if I fall in love with a man then I will end up with a man. The young woman who threw out "lesbian" earlier said with a smile "I'm a lesbian!" And I high-fived her! Half because the other women were calling her out on it and half because I could sense that there was a little bit of tension in the air. The other three women we're quite sure how I would respond or how they should respond. A good cheerful affirming high five did the job! We shared a cute women-loving-women moment!

Pii A always jokes that I am like Miss Universe; I'm a heartfelt volunteer who is here to save the children and help everyone and I love everyone. We were goofing off and she told me to give a speech as Miss Universe. Posing in front of our office building, shouting out to the busy road and rice paddies I said yes I am Miss Universe! Pii A held up a fake mic and encouraged me to present to a pretend audience, so I bumped out my hip, gracefully lifted my hand and to the passing cars said "My name is Elizabeth and I am from the Peace Corps of the United States of America!" Pii A said "and what else?" So I shouted into the heat "AND I AM BISEXUAL" to resounding laughter of my actual audience of four coworkers. I bowed and twirled my straw hat around feeling like this is one of the most self-affirming experiences I have had at site. Walking back to our respective desks, they coached me on how to walk. They said Miss Universe must walk beautifully. So I broke into my best PG-13 rated runway walk, again to a rumble of laughter.

I think my coworkers have always suspected that I'm at least a little gay. I think it's in my ambivalence towards their advice of what will make me more attractive to men, or maybe it's my constant insistence that women can do things they're always saying women can't, or maybe it's just my energy. None of the things I just mentioned will make a woman gay, but I think that because women who tend to align with those things in Thai society are "Toms" or women who present more masculinely, with short haircuts and loose jeans, are assumed to be lesbians. Appearances are very important, no matter what culture in which you happen to be immersed. Yet in the States I didn't really care outright if I was attractive to men. I have a very loose hair-washing schedule, I wear only mascara on a good makeup day and I am either wearing a flower skirt I got for $4 or my favorite black jeans that are at least 6 years old. I never really put in a huge amount of effort every day and I know I still look good. I'm a tall woman with an athletic build, I don't like wearing bras, and I present myself very confidently. And that goes a long way for all genders as far as attractiveness is concerned. I don't really care to change anything about myself in order to be attractive to men, and apparently that made my Thai coworkers question my sexuality.

I present myself the way I do because I try to show others that I don't care what's on your outsides because I love digging to your juicy insides so much. I don't care what's between your legs as long as you're willing to show up for this thing we can potentially build together. Being able to freely admit that I will open-heartedly fall in love with anyone without hesitations surrounding something they were born and raised with is absolutely liberating. I never want to go back to eliminating half the population from my pool of potential love. Who knows what the fallout from telling my coworkers about my sexuality will be. I might get tired of having to explain bisexuality to a whole new set of people at site, but I have learned that it'll be worth it.

PC: Celete Kato